So, You’re Thinking About Transferring?
Nothing is wrong, but nothing is right.
You’re a freshman at a new college, all hopes and high expectations. The days go by. You join the clubs, talk to the person next to you in class, attend professor office hours, make new friends. You do everything right, but it still isn’t RIGHT. Something feels off. You’re ok. You’re fine. But you’re not happy. The excitement and anticipation you felt coming to college has turned into dread, sadness, melancholy, and darkness. It’s just not life-giving. So what do you do? What do you do when nothing is wrong but nothing is right? Do you stay or do you go?
First off, if you’re even thinking about transferring, congratulations. Because it means that you are refusing to accept less than what you deserve. You are recognizing that you are worthy of attending a school that you love, with people that you resonate with, in a place that lights you up. Be proud of yourself that you are even entertaining this idea.
So, how to know: Do you stay or do you go? The hard answer—there is no magic formula. I wish there was: trust me, I would have found it by now. But I can tell you from personal experience, and the stories of friends who have gone through the same thing, that there are some ways to get closer to an answer.
How do you feel when you come back?
Your body is wise and your emotions are here to communicate with you, if you are open to listening. In the car or on the plane back to school, how do you feel? Is there a sinking in your stomach and a knot in your chest? Do you feel the flutter of anxiety? Are you going numb as a way to build a wall against the impending sadness you’ll feel when you step foot on campus again?
For me, I could sense the sadness the night before I was bound to head back to school. The thought of waking up in the morning and boarding a plane to Atlanta made every bone in my body feel DULL. There was no twinge of excitement or joyful anticipation.
2. What do you do when family/friends visit?
The people closest to us are often mirrors and reflect back to us what we didn’t even quite realize we were feeling at the time. When family and friends come to visit, are you excited to show them your school? Your gym? Your library? To have them meet your friends?
This was a big indication for me that Emory was not my place. Over parents weekend, my parents and siblings came to Atlanta and we didn’t even step foot on campus once (actually Walker and I went to a frat for .002 seconds and that was all she wrote). I couldn’t even bring myself to feel an ounce of excitement to show the people that I loved my school! I remember it clicked for me after parents weekend—something was off.
3. Are you actually able to do what makes you happy?
Write a list of the things that make you happy. Then, write a list of the things that you are doing every day. If you love the outdoors, are you able to spend time outside? If exploring a new coffee shop every week brings you joy, are you in a town with multiple shops? If you love to spearfish, are you close to the ocean? The first step to creating a life that you love is to recognize what you love, and then work backwards from there. Find a school nestled amongst a forest if you love the outdoors; find a school in a city big enough for you to explore if you love to try new places; find a school where you can hear the waves from your dorm room if you love the ocean. Be relentless in your pursuit of cultivating joy.
4. Do you like the person you currently see in the mirror?
Walk to the closest mirror and look yourself in the eyes. Do you like the person looking back at you? Do you recognize them? Do you see lightness and playfulness in their eyes, or do you see dread and despair? Sometimes, we try so hard to mold ourselves into the perfect puzzle piece so that we can finally complete the puzzle. But what about if this just wasn’t your puzzle in the first place? We will often reshape ourselves—the way we speak, the way we dress, the way we live—in the efforts of belonging to a community. All of a sudden, the thoughts you’re thinking and the way you’re living isn’t “you”—you’ve lost touch with yourself, at the expense of finding others. Let me tell you: your people are out there. Just because you haven’t found them yet, does not mean that they don’t exist. They are out there waiting for you to remember you.
5. If other people’s opinions ceased to exist, would you stay or would you go?
So often, we are trapped in the invisible shackles of other people’s opinions—our parents, friends from high school, relatives, new friends at school, and even random strangers. Better that you learn this now: everyone has an opinion. And they will undoubtedly have an opinion about you transferring schools. This is the reality, but entertain this question for a moment: if other people’s opinions ceased to exist, what would you do? Would you stay or would you go? What would your heart tell you to do, if your brain wasn’t grappling with the projections of others? By asking yourself these questions, you get a little bit closer to your answer, rather than the decision that you think you “should” be making.
Now, I am not saying to disregard other people’s opinions and advice. Rather, I am encouraging you to be selective in your evaluation of the opinions you choose to let into your sphere. Give time and energy to the people who love you, who understand you, who truly see you.
Throughout all of these questions, there is a common denominator: you. It is your life, your experiences, your feelings, and your decisions. Give yourself the authority that you deserve. If you feel like something is off, it’s because it is. You know so much more than you’re giving yourself credit for.
I hope that this brought you some clarity and relief. You haven’t messed up and you haven’t done anything wrong: this is all a part of the grand, windy, and bewildering journey of life. You may not see it now, but you will soon—I promise. You’re exactly where you need to be.
love,
blakely
